where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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