i think my mom watched the whole time
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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