Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
