Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
