After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
