Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
