So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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