I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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