If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woke up backwards on a recliner
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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