I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
