not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
