Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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