It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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