the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
