Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
