dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you need anything just hit me up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man