Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.