my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
