Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
