the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
