Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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