Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
