I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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