How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
