Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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