naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
