____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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