I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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