Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
