history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
