I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
