3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
