She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The air taste purple.
Randomize
