how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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