i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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