Your mouth is God's brothel.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
