I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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