Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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