WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
