I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
