every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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