Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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