rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
