I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I touched a dick in church today
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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