apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
