I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
