I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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