hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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