I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
