you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
