they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
