We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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