Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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