...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
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Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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