my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm too high and old for this...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
